OK, before the 'big one' hits, I figured I'd get my thoughts about my vacation out there.

We left for the far north on April 21st. We had a 5'x8' U-Haul trailer behind us packed with a sofa, loveseat, ½ a china cabinet, a recliner, 3 occasional tables and an oversized table lamp. The other ½ of the china cabinet was at the back of our SUV.

We went up via I-95 then took a more westerly route and ended up spending the night in either VA or WV (I can't remember exactly). We arrived in Rochester, NY at about 6:30 PM on April 22nd.

We stayed with one of my husband's daughters in her guest room. We were able to spend time with each daughter and her family for one meal while up there (there are 3 daughters and each have 2 children). We purchased new beds for the older children. They really needed them.

We went to the Rochester Museum and Science Center. We also saw a movie at their planetarium. That didn't do my stomach any good!

We headed for Long Island on the 25th. It's about a 450 mile trip. We took the route that had us go diagonally through the state from Cortland. My husband was hoping to see the Orange County Choppers business but we never did.

We decided to head for Connecticut and take the ferry from Bridgeport to Port Jefferson, NY. This bypasses all the traffic nonsense in NYC. It was a nice, calm ride and I appreciated it.

We checked into the motel on Long Island and then ventured to my mother's home the next day. She was not doing well. She is obviously suffering from a depression (have seen this happen to her before). My younger son has virtually destroyed his bedroom (holes in the wall and the carpet is ruined).

I had told both boys to keep Tuesday night free. I bought a birthday cake so we could all celebrate my mom's birthday together at dinner. We also got pizza (yes, real NY pizza!). Well, my older son had to work late and my younger one didn't show up until 7:45 PM.

The saving grace was my older son getting up early the next day to have breakfast with us at the hotel. I spent about 10 minutes with the younger one.

After breakfast, we gathered up our things and swung by my mother's house to get her. We left at about 9:30, I believe, and arrived at my sister's house (just south of D.C. in VA) at about 5:30- 6 PM. Great time.

My mother cheered up immensely. I know it is my younger son's fault that she is in this depression. She has a tendency for depression but his lifestyle (avboiding school, not giving a damn about anyone's feelings) definitely trigger it.

He has 2 other grandparents, a father and 2 aunts who live within 10 miles of my mother's house. My mother refuses to ask them for help. My husband refuses to let him live here. So, we're at a stalemate.

Back to our trip...we went to my nephew's condo to visit him. It is in Falls Church and is very nice. We went to dinner at Gadsby's Tavern in Old Town, Alexandria, for my mom's birthday celebration. The food was good. Colonial America really didn't have much in the way of décor! It was quite plain but nice to be in an historic building.

That evening we drove my niece to her apartment in D.C. where we met her reclusive boyfriend. They've been together for 7 years and it was high time we met!

My sister confessed that my ex-husband (who is on ss disability) obtained ss payments for my younger son. He gives them to my mother. She said my mother didn't want me to know because she was afraid I'd stop sending my monthly payment to her. I am a bit upset about this. I let my sister know that the money I send is going to stop when my son reaches 18 (a little over a year from now).

We left VA early on the 29th and made it home at 8:15 pm. It is good to be home. My nephew is planning to come down in a few weeks to visit. I think everyone should realize that is how they are going to see me from now on. I don't fly and the stress of a long drive causes me to swallow untold number of pills. It is not healthy for me.

I am feeling tremendous guilt about the situation between my mother and younger son. If my mother refuses to ask for help what am I supposed to do? He needs to quit school, get his GED and get a job. I don't see any of that happening anytime soon.

My sister even mentioned foster care. I know my mother would not allow it. Oh, and the psychiatrist appointment was canceled by his father. It is not SOP for my ex to cancel...he'd be much more apt to just not show up. My sister said he is much more responsible now that he is gone through rehab and attends AA meetings. She said he realized Jared wouldn't go and canceled the appointment. (the woman at the doctor's office called my sister to let her know).

So the little bit I can contribute (health insurance and a psychiatrist) is being flushed down the toilet. Believe it or not, my mother is selfish. My sister and I agree on this. She does what will cause her the least amount of grief in order to get through the day...she always has. She has never considered the detriment of her actions upon the child involved.

I was a spoiled brat and my son is a monster. I am 1200 miles away and my hands are tied. I was able to medicate all my head pain while I was away but needless to say, it all came crashing down yesterday.

Where is my prescription bottle? I think I am headed for the same 'place' today.