Suicide. Tell me, are you considered suicidal if you just wish you were dead? If you don't take any action to contribute to your death with the exception of thoughts of it running through your mind?

Yes, I wish I was dead. My husband could find a healthier person to spend his life with. My kids could collect my life insurance. My mother wouldn't have to wring her hands every time she heard I had a migraine, or there's a hurricane, or I took a day trip and neglected to call her to say we were back.

It's just so final. I would gladly go if I was a believer. I would love to be in my father's arms again. I really felt safe when he was around. Actually, I am fooling myself. I felt safe when I was a kid. He was in poor health when I was an adult. He couldn't make me feel safe then.

1½ pain pills left. 5 days left until I can call for more. The math is against me.

This isn't my doctor's fault. I luxuriously took a pain pill whenever I needed it. It was great. He prescribed enough for me to have 3 pills a day. I didn't count how many I took. I must have taken 4 a day. That's what I get for not budgeting. I am the grasshopper not the ant. Someone, please just step on me.